Into Stupidity

A few days ago, I got bored and started browsing IMDB for the films with the highest rating. I stumbled on the title “Into the wild”. I heard good things about the film. I heard good things about the book. It rated 8.something…

Fuck it, I’m downloading it!

So a few hours later, I am sitting in my freezing cold lounge room watching this little piece of entertainment. The story goes about some young American who is kind of pissed off about society, his fighting parents and life in general. He decides to go on an adventure across the US of A to live on a minimalist lifestyle. On top of that, the dude was a nice guy.

I personally respect the idea and think that it can be fun. Going down a dangerous river illegally, jumping trains, working with red necks… total Freedom!

Spoiler

And something that made the movie even cooler… it finishes badly. The guy dies at the end.

End of spoiler

So when this movie finished, I was like “wow! This was actually a good film”.

Now I have not read the book so this essay is not about that version of the story.

But anyway, some parts stayed on my mind.

I analyzed further this story and the events.

Suddenly, I got an epiphany. “Oh my god! This guy is an idiot!”

Alright, lets go back to the beginning when he reaches the hush river.

The first thing he does is grab his woolen beanie and put it on a dead tree as a mark to know where is the way out of the wild forest. Smart move uh?

WRONG!

Seriously, this guy does not know shit about spending winter in Alaska.

If you do not come from a cold climate country, maybe you will not understand the next few things but I will try to give you a reference.

Grab an industrial fan. Lock yourself in an industrial freezer. Get the blades spinning on maximum speed and put your face right in front of it for lets say… 1 hour.

I shit you not, your ears will freeze and your squirmy little face will go numb very quickly. Freezing from the head is not good! Some “experts” claim that “80% of your body heat escapes through your head”. I do not know if this is true. All I know is that flicking your finger on someone’s frozen ear will make him want to kill you.

For Christ’s sake, why do you think skiers wear face masks and goggles? Because it gets fucking cold out there!

Ok, so back to the river. Our “hero” is so keen to go on an adventure that he jumps right in and crosses it. What a cool guy! Such courage! Such… such… SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT!

First rule of winter survival: stay dry!

And I am not pulling this out of my ass… I was in the boyscouts when I was about 9 (I got kicked out but did get to learn a few things) and I spent a big part of my youth playing in the forest at winter building camps, secretly smoking cigarettes and digging tunnels… all in tremendous coldness.

As soon as there’s snow in your “Sorel Boots”, it melts, turns into water and then your feet go white because the blood stops flowing. Trust me… jumping in water is a very fucking dumb move!

AND THAT WAS THE FIRST 5 MINUTES!

Then, the guy is seen in the movie as a fairly “clever” guy. He is a college graduate. He teaches life lessons to people twice his age. He survives well by burning money. He has figured out that the system is fucked and that life is not worth the effort of living in the society. He manages to smuggle himself into Mexico and walk back out in the US by talking himself out of it without passport or anything.

The guy even manages to survive many weeks of winter in Alaska by eating squirrels…

Look pal, allot of animals hibernate or migrate at winter. Surviving that kind of climate requires a fair amount of skills. I give him that.

So… how come that douche bag is not able to find food at summer?!?!

There are pork epines (I think they call them hedgehogs in English but anyway) who you barely need to put your foot on them and they die. Their meat is excellent to eat. They are a protected specie with one purpose; “If you’re lost in the wood… you have something to eat!”

You don’t even need a gun. You can make a trail of “neck traps” (collars?) and you will get rabbits, perdrix, and a whole diversity of animals that will trap themselves in them. The guy had a freaking fishing rod and a fishing net!

I mean geez… if you can do winter, you will be laughing at summer!

Then, he’s blocked by a river. Boohoo… can’t cross the river.

Dude! Rivers don’t stay wide everywhere… walk up or down and you have chances that it will narrow down. Don’t just stay there crying.

And then to top it up… the guy is semi attractive, he’s got a nice personality and everything… and he doesn’t even have the balls to shag one girl in the whole film. Then you come tell ME that you are all about enjoying life?!?!

Well fuck you pal! You deserved to die.

Seriously… if you want to live on a minimalist lifestyle and be a virgin… don’t go to Alaska. Just become a freaking monk. You do not have to work. People will give you food and being happy is your objective.

Now I did say that I enjoyed the fact that the movie finishes badly. Well fuck it, this was just some government conspiracy to show the American people “what happens when you go against the system”!

Ok forget that, I could not care less about conspiracy theories. The guy was an idiot and he’s dead.

That movie is overrated!